A Series of "How To's" by Eliza

How to Shower in Guatemala
1. Clarify with la mama that the bucket sitting on the bathroom floor is, in fact, the "shower"
2. Intend to ask la mama to show you how to use it but instead, in your broken Spanish, ask her to "help you shower"
3. Clarify that you don't need help showering, you'll manage just fine on your own
4. Fill wash bucket with 2 parts cold water and 1 part boiling water
5. Actually fill it 3 parts cold water because the stove is being used to cook
6. Scoop water out of bucket with smaller bucket that may or may not have just been used as a water dish for the neighbor's dog
7. Pour freezing water over head
8. Repeat as necessary

How to Travel Home from School in the Rain
1. Get out umbrella
2. Put on waterproof shoes
3. Change into bathing suit
4. Open umbrella
5. Place umbrella upside down on full-blown river rushing down street
6. Sit in umbrella
7. Raft down river until final destination is reached

How to Have a Conversation in Spanish
1. Ask the person to please repeat what he or she just said
2. Apologize and ask him or her to repeat it again more slowly
3. Apologize again and ask him or her to repeat it just one more time
4. You can't ask a fourth time, gringo. Smile and nod.